The Giving Tree: A Tale of Codependence?
Recently I was reminded of the book, The Giving Tree by Shel Silverstein. This heartwarming children’s book actually is a pretty dynamic portrayal of codependency. Psychology Today describes codependency as follows:
Codependency is a dysfunctional relationship dynamic where one person assumes the role of “the giver,” sacrificing their own needs and well-being for the sake of the other, “the taker.” The bond in question doesn’t have to be romantic; it can occur just as easily between parent and child, friends, and family members. - Psychology Today
The term “codependency” first appeared in substance abuse circles to describe a lopsided relationship that has been consumed and controlled by one person’s addiction. It has expanded into more general terms of unequal relationships.
In The Giving Tree, the tree loved a boy who came to play. In the beginning there was a reciprocal relationship of playing and being together, but when the boy grew older he wanted to buy some things, so the tree gave him apples to sell. Later the tree gave her branches to the boy to build a house. When boy became an old man and wanted to escape, the tree gave her trunk so he could build a boat and sail away. At that point the text recounts that the tree was happy… “but not really”. The end of the story showed an old man sitting on the stump of the tree, both depleted, supposedly happy because they were together again.
I have decided to change the ending of the story in terms of my own life. We don’t have to settle for depletion in the “misery loves company” aspect, but can regrow from the trauma and codependence.
Often as mothers, we are the primary support of our children. In the tree analogy, our offspring swing and sleep in our branches and eat the “apples” we provide them for sustenance in life. This is normal and healthy. But as shown in the book, this can become unbalanced and unhealthy when children get older and self-sovereignty on both sides is not established. Other codependent relationships happen with adult family members/spouses we support. We may allow them to hang on our tree for dear life because their tree is diseased or not rooted strongly.
When I look back on my own life, the tree (me) became a stump for a period of time. When my branches were broken off, or more often cut off by me for the sake of another, I sucked it up. I felt a semblance of love from giving, but at an unconscious level, felt the resentment of being depleted without receiving love in return. Those unmet needs got stuffed deep down in the trunk (martyrdom). More often than not, the giver takes on the role of rescuer. This can give the giver the ego boost of pride and feeling needed, thus loved. In addition, the “taker” does not thrive because he becomes the victim to his circumstances and dependent on another for sustenance. Therefore, he does not realize that he can be self-sovereign.
At some point, the giver will be so exhausted or depleted that a change is forced to occur. These emotions finally surface when exhaustion hits and our life force is tapped out. At this point, I metaphorically put a tarp over my stump (i.e., a wall around my heart and energy field) so I would now be protected and not completely used up. From there, the anger that had been stuffed in the trunk came to the surface to be seen and dealt with.
What are some common signs of codependency?
In unhealthy codependent relationships, the “giver” tends to be overly responsible, making excuses for the “taker” and taking over their obligations. Givers are self-critical and often perfectionistic; fixing or rescuing others makes them feel needed. They focus so much on pleasing others that they neglect their own wants and needs.
Givers generally have low self-esteem, find it hard to set boundaries and be assertive, and struggle with asking for help when they need it.
Takers are often struggling with serious issues, such as emotional immaturity, mental health problems, and addiction.
Source: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/codependency
In my spiritual growth and connection to my soul, I started to understand the concept of self-love and that it is was not the same as selfishness. I decided to stop cutting off my branches for others and started the hard work of trying to spout new branches for my own life. This was not easy, as energy patterns are so deeply grooved, therefore difficult for both parties to change. One must endure the backlash of the other party involved, and often deal with judgements of others outside of the relationship.
Never carry anything you don’t control
Part of co-dependence is dealing with issues of trying to control others with the misconceived idea that you could be happy only when people in your life behave in a certain way. You think if they could only just see what you see, it would all be well.
A few months ago, my son mentioned a quote from the Star Wars series, Andor. One of the characters said, “Rule Number 1: Never carry anything you don’t control”. For some reason this quote stuck with me, as it was very potent for understanding my wounding in life. This can be taken literally like in the show a Comlink (communication device) was being eavesdropped on by others. Or, it could be purely physical like a dog in your arms that sees a squirrel and scratches you to get out. I resonated with the quote for its metaphoric meaning, i.e., don’t emotionally carry the behaviors of another person or the happenings in the outside world. When we really get down to it, we control nothing but ourselves and our own attitude in life.
The only person you are in control of is yourself.
For other recovering co-dependents, I would recommend Co-Dependent No More by Melanie Beattie. Here are some quotes that I found impactful:
“The surest way to make ourselves crazy is to get involved in other people’s business, and the quickest way to become sane and happy is to attend to our own affairs.”
And
“When we attempt to control people and things that we have no business controlling, we are controlled.”
— Melody Beattie, Author Codependent No More
Where am I now? I have surrendered my social position in the world (and thus possibly my karma). I am still trying to figure out how to grow some of my branches back as I continue to surrender to Divine Will. I am not quite sure the direction or shape the branches might take, as I am still discovering the true me and what brings me the most joy and is the greatest service to the whole. In the meantime, I take solace in the fact that the people that were once hanging on my branches now have the opportunity to find their soul and root down a tree of their own to grow into their own beautiful strong essence.
About the Author: Rebecca Paris, formerly Rebecca Becker, is a former advertising professional and VP of Marketing for United Way of Atlanta as well as an artist. She is the founder and Executive Director of Raising the Vibe, a 501 (C)(3) nonprofit, and is now offering her services as a one-on-one Gene Keys and Ascension Guide. In addition to blogging, Rebecca has authored the free Ebook, The Matrix Resurrections Unraveled, to unpack the nature of our reality exposed in this latest Matrix movie. Contact her through rebeccaparis.com to schedule a session or to purchase or commission a portrait or original art.